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January 11, 2008
resolve
over our long christmas break, aidan and i had a lot of time to just talk. there were many silly conversations and answering some questions he had about events in the future (friends, girlfriends, apartments, family...crazy, i know!). during one of these discussions i started sort of labeling the boys' personalities. i know that it is usually not a good idea to put any label on your children; but, in context, this was quite harmless. i said that aidan would have to be "attitude" because his face is often covered with expression and his opinion. it is that spunk that prompts him to confidently face new challenges and interact with unfamiliar people while also challenging his parents. then, aidan decided to label the rest of us:
pesky abel**usually into something or coming up with his next big idea.
ollie the joker**just so funny.
willem the keeper**who always keeps his eye on mommy (when tired or just waking, he peers through his left eye while resting the right).
grumpy mommy**that would be me. it's sad, but true.
over the past few months i have found it especially difficult to consistently find joy in the everyday. i read other blogs that openly share similar struggles and wonder about the benefits of being transparent knowing how many people might come across this entry but also feel the need bring balance to this page filled with beaming children's faces. i really do enjoy my children and can feel love for them and excitement about our adventures together despite the depression. the problem rests in all of the moments in between. truthfully, i rarely feel content in my own skin and look for any distraction imaginable to keep from having to just sit with my thoughts. i make every effort to hide this from my children, but it is apparent from my conversations with aidan that i have failed.
so now i find myself in the new year and contemplating resolutions. to say that i am going to attempt to overcome this battle that i have faced since i was a toddler is overwhelming and just not possible. what i can resolve to do is slow the pace of my life, walk more, increase my interaction with friends, continue to enjoy my kids, spend more time with my husband, avoid substances and situations that trigger my depression, and in a small way just attempt to be okay with simply being me.
| By cooleys | 05:37 PM
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Comments
I usually don't like to make "new year resolutions", but something about this year, and the place I am in life makes me feel like making some changes -- wiping the slate clean and starting fresh. You've resolved good things :) I hope I'll be one of those friends you interact with :)
Posted by: amy at January 12, 2008 10:24 AM
Amber you have such a gift of seeing the strengths in your kids, I love that you can pierce through their little personalities and encourage them the way that you do. I also think its huge to know yourself well enough to even start to think about the things your thinking through. I'm looking forward to this year as we grow as friends and as a small group. Let's pray that God really works in our lives together as we try to love one another!
Posted by: michellew at January 12, 2008 12:15 PM
amber, you are a wonderful person and friend. it is okay to be transparent, it helps your friends to know how to lift you up to god so that he can be of comfort to you in those times when you need it the most. i agree with michelle about you being able to really "see" your kids. i hope that i can learn from you and notice those things about our son. new year, new time! i'm not big on the resolution thing, but i think that it gives us a new time to change things and start fresh! we love you and mark and the boys and i really would love to spend more time with you this year.
Posted by: erin at January 12, 2008 01:41 PM
I'm proud of you for putting yourself out there! I think you're pretty cool :) I think the "label" your kids gave you can change. It could have been worse right? :) Also, I don't think success in hiding is necessarily a good thing either. As long as your HOPE is communicated as well. That Hope in someone who is bigger and greater than yourself. Sometimes that is easiest to communicate thru loads of tears and fog. You are always welcome to call, ask, come over, go out. Whenever.
Posted by: katiek at January 12, 2008 03:56 PM
yeah, i'm not so sure about finding joy everyday. getting out and about and looking through other people's eyes is good though. my perspective of myself can be so warped, the perspective i have of my home or car or work or art can be so hohumblah, it's not until someone says, "oh man you're cool" do i realize that i'm a little one sided in my opinion of myself. i would trust katie when she says that you're pretty cool! that's the little bit o unwarped joy you could take from the day:)
Posted by: cat at January 17, 2008 04:17 PM
