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January 29, 2008

at home

lately, lots of our time had been spent in nuestra casa. i have never been much of a home body but have been trying (emphasize "trying") to embrace our daily routine, find contentment in the mundane, and seek silence. i know, the silence bit seems unlikely in a house full of boys, but just yesterday i was rewarded with some time to myself as willem and oliver napped. i actually had time to do a little research online about nursing school and certification for becoming a lactation consultant. i also called a local college to set up an appointment to review my transcripts. mark was impressed. i was just scared. i need prayer for direction when it comes to finishing school and vocational pursuits.

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January 20, 2008

abel

As the kids grow we get to see them change and gather interest in new things. Abel has impressed us lately with his creative spirit through his drawings and photography. My camera phone has long been filled with random shots taken around the house while I'm away or sleeping. Out of all the boys, Abel loves posing for the camera.

Last week I took Abel on a little excursion to the old Wheland Foundry grounds to capture the textures and colors of the industrial plant. It was exciting to see him so engaged, looking through the viewfinder, shooting away and loving it. At one point, noticing a large drainage area beside the railroad tracks, he commented that the foundry "is a castle and here is the moat."

Being the middle child is hard, especially when the older seems to be great at everything he tries, but I'm glad Abel is finding his own voice and confidence through his creative ideas and passions.

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January 11, 2008

resolve

over our long christmas break, aidan and i had a lot of time to just talk. there were many silly conversations and answering some questions he had about events in the future (friends, girlfriends, apartments, family...crazy, i know!). during one of these discussions i started sort of labeling the boys' personalities. i know that it is usually not a good idea to put any label on your children; but, in context, this was quite harmless. i said that aidan would have to be "attitude" because his face is often covered with expression and his opinion. it is that spunk that prompts him to confidently face new challenges and interact with unfamiliar people while also challenging his parents. then, aidan decided to label the rest of us:

pesky abel**usually into something or coming up with his next big idea.
ollie the joker**just so funny.
willem the keeper**who always keeps his eye on mommy (when tired or just waking, he peers through his left eye while resting the right).
grumpy mommy**that would be me. it's sad, but true.

over the past few months i have found it especially difficult to consistently find joy in the everyday. i read other blogs that openly share similar struggles and wonder about the benefits of being transparent knowing how many people might come across this entry but also feel the need bring balance to this page filled with beaming children's faces. i really do enjoy my children and can feel love for them and excitement about our adventures together despite the depression. the problem rests in all of the moments in between. truthfully, i rarely feel content in my own skin and look for any distraction imaginable to keep from having to just sit with my thoughts. i make every effort to hide this from my children, but it is apparent from my conversations with aidan that i have failed.

so now i find myself in the new year and contemplating resolutions. to say that i am going to attempt to overcome this battle that i have faced since i was a toddler is overwhelming and just not possible. what i can resolve to do is slow the pace of my life, walk more, increase my interaction with friends, continue to enjoy my kids, spend more time with my husband, avoid substances and situations that trigger my depression, and in a small way just attempt to be okay with simply being me.

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January 08, 2008

three months

::sir willem at three months::

cooing and smiling with the sweetest face imaginable.
just began laughing with a deep chuckle last night.
drooling quite a bit.
eager to watch his brothers.
plump and cuddly.

i will definitely miss this baby stage when it passes and try to remember through my tired, foggy days to just enjoy him now.

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